12/21/22

i feel so drained, tired, and angry at myself. all i want to do is make myself useful and help the people i care about, but i can never help out without messing up things that just end up making everything even more complicated than it'd be if i'd never helped at all. i just want to help, but i always end up feeling defeated, and like a major hindrance.

it just frustrates me, and then if i go on to make my frustration known it just upsets or angers those around me, and that makes me feel even more like a burden. i just want to vent my frustrations about how i very visibly complicate anything i get involved in, and i always end up feeling like i've gone and made things even worse by daring to express that. i feel like i can't win, like i'll never win. like i should just stop trying.

it makes me wonder if i'm a bad person.

when i get like this, i just want to uproot and get away from anyone i've ever known. it's so stupid to have such a strong reaction to something that is probably no more than a minor inconvenience in reality, but i can't help it. i'm so disappointed in myself. and then i get even sadder because topics like this are not what i intended to write about, but it's such a strong, disgusting feeling, and i have no real escape from any of it.

this site was meant to be a representation of some sliver of positivity that exists deep down within and i'm so disappointed that that's not what's been reflected. yes, i'm very misanthropic. yes, i'm sure it's obvious i'm also very depressed. but i still wanted this to be different. i didn't ever intend to come off as super cheery or happy go lucky, maybe a stoic weirdo at best... and i'm sad i haven't even achieved that.

still, this site is new.... and maybe it's a little ridiculous of me to put arbitrary labels and checkboxes all over what i want it to be used for. it is mine, after all... so is it so wrong to use it to be honest, really? maybe there's something ever more genuine to being open and honest with myself about my struggles than there is by omitting the negatives and pretending my life is something it isn't.

i mean, in that train of thought, there's also nothing saying i have to have a length to my journals or something like that... or even a length to what goes in my nav bar. i think i should open separate categories for dream journaling and animal crossing, if only to have another place to dump thoughts other than 'journaling', which seems to bring the worst out of me....

yeah. i'm gonna add those once i can figure out how to incorporate them. hopefully today....