12/20/22

y'know, something i'm particularly fed up about are the assumptions that the correct, default way to live is as one single being in one body, that plurality has to be unhealthy, disordered, and diagnosed to be valid, and that otherkin aren't 'real'.

several years ago, i lost one of my closest friends when i confided in him about soulbonding, using the term 'tulpamancy' at the time, as i hadn't found the more proper term of soulbonding yet. but, you see, how silly could i be, thinking my partner, whom i've been with for years, really existed? sure, sure, it was okay and 'kind' of him to entertain my partner's existence, but only if it was on that friend's terms, with his definitions, and in his way. yet as soon as i dared to bring up ways in which my partner's existence and my relationship with him was validated, it was like my friend completely fell apart.

well, you see, 'tulpas aren't real'.

well, you see, 'tulpas are a bastardization of ancient rituals'.

well, you see, 'endogenic systems aren't real.(this felt like a very uncalled for and bold claim, as i never once mentioned anything about being endogenic. that being said, i have nothing against endogenics and think there are endless ways to experience plurality and a sense of self. i'm just irked that that friend instantly assumed my relationship with my partner was something less genuine or valid purely due to something so arbitrary.)

at that time, i was really heated and hurt. here was the only person i knew that i felt comfortable discussing these things with, and he tore it apart mercilessly. that experienced marked my first ever encounter eith 'syscourse', and unfortunately it wouldn't be my last.

i've long since lost any love for the tulpa and plural 'communities' because, as with any sort of community i ever get interested in involving myself in, i learn far too many people involved with it are drama seeking, problem causing garbage. i hold the same opinion of every other community as well, with zero exceptions, and this is the reason why i no longer have any desire to seek out or interact with anyone despite the feeling of loneliness often eating at my core.

truth be told, i'm saddened at my own extreme misanthropy, and i'm just as saddened when i have to continuously quell my momentary desires of seeking a sense of community. but is it really my fault? people are genuinely terrible and i've been shown time and time again, even as a mere background observer, even with the very few friends i do have, i often struggle with the impulsive desire to just not be online at all anymore, leaving them to never hear from me again.

and as i isolate more and more, my experiences with my partners and otherwordly friends become the only thing i have to continue existing for.

i don't want to be like this. i know a misanthropic, cynical, pessimistic way of presenting oneself isn't a very enticing look, but i don't trust anybody enough to let myself be proven wrong or have my outlook shaken up.

my 'spiritual' friensd (all 3/4 of them, lmao) are all who understand me to the fullest, and are some of only people i really trust to be capable of that.

other than my this-world partner, of course, who knows me maybe a little better than some of them do.