12/19/22

this journal entry contains mentions of someone's death and suicide.

12:58 am - i'm tired. i woke up so immeasurably depressed. i am so hungry but i don't feel capable of cooking or making anything to eat for now.

i had a lot of nightmares, which isn't really atypical for me, but it still sucks. a lot of them were about finding the remains of my dad and just. ugh. general gruesome content. as someone who's been passively suicidal my entire life, i don't feel like i can blame him... but sometimes i find myself overcome with anger that he's gone, anyway. even though he never cared. even though the relationship i always wished we could have never really existed, and would never have existed no matter how much time passed...

i really wanted today to be a good day. the only bad things that've even 'happened' today have all been from dreams. i have no real reason to complain or feel so down, so why is everything so unbearably, crushingly heavy? i hope i don't ruin the day for my partners, too, but it's hard to think optimistically.

still, the day just began...... so there's still 23 hours worth of time for potential improvement, right? right?

ahh, god...